Why Are We All Reading Romantasy? A Psychologist's Thoughts on Dragons, Desire and the Search for Something More

If you've spent any time on social media recently you've probably noticed that everyone seems to be reading romantasy. Dragons. Fae. Shadow daddies. Enemies to lovers. Impossible quests. Very emotionally available men with impressive wings. We are loving it. There’s even a dedicated romantasy book shop now in Oxford (Badgirlbooks.co.uk).

As a psychologist (and fellow late-discovered romantasy fan), I've found myself wondering why this particular genre has exploded in popularity. It would be easy to dismiss it as escapism or clever marketing, but I don't think that's the whole story. I think romantasy is tapping into something deeper about the psychological moment we're living in.

As someone who always moaned at the suggestion of watching LOTR and wished I could but never understood the Terry Pratchett enthusiasts, I just didn’t get the appeal of fantasy. Horror - yes, thrillers - sure, speculative fiction about apocalyptic futures - absolutely. But the male-centric fantasy fiction in the mainstream when I was growing up, no thanks. It always felt like it was by men, for men, about men. And even by 11 I'd had enough of stories which centered cis white men.

The enthusiasm with which I (and many others like me) will now devour a romantasy has me wondering - what’s different and what is it we’re all seeking?

One lens I find myself coming back to is the idea of cultural relationship scripts. We all grow up absorbing unspoken rules about how relationships "should" work. In heterosexual relationships particularly, these scripts have historically been remarkably narrow. Men are often socialised to pursue, protect, provide and remain emotionally stoic. Women are expected to be desirable, accommodating, emotionally attuned and endlessly giving. Sex itself often follows a similarly predictable script, with relatively little attention paid to women's pleasure, desire or complexity.

Thankfully, these scripts are changing (and differ in the LGBTQIA, kink and poly communities). But they're changing slowly and unevenly.

Many women are finding themselves caught in an uncomfortable middle ground. We’re a generation much more into personal growth, we’re going to therapy, retreats, journaling. We’re self-aware. We want and expect emotional intimacy, equality, curiosity and mutual growth from relationships, yet many of the cultural messages around hetero dating, masculinity and intimacy haven't quite caught up. I don't think men are failing or to blame, and it's not that women are asking too much. Rather, hetero/hetero-seeming folk are collectively trying to write new relationship templates without having been given many examples. (Let’s not even get into how p*rn has caused unrealistic expectations and promoted misogynistic behaviour within hetero dyads, I’ll save that essay for another day).

Without new relationship scripts, there’s a gap. Into this gap walks a seven-foot-tall fae warrior who has somehow mastered emotional vulnerability.

Convenient.

What fascinates me isn't simply that romantasy heroes are attractive. Fiction has always given us attractive characters. It's that many of these men are written as profoundly psychologically safe. They notice subtle emotional shifts. They communicate. They remain fiercely protective without being controlling. They respect competence. They often fall in love with women who are messy, traumatised, powerful or morally complicated, rather than needing them to be endlessly agreeable. They tolerate and even celebrate the big feelings, the anger, the quirks.

Of course they're fantasy. We can’t expect our partners to always be this open/grounded/focused on our needs, of course not. But the yearning for these kinds of relationships evident by the rapid growth of romantasy (and other spicy 🌶️ fiction books) is a product of women’s unmet sexual and emotional needs. Women (and some men) are out there writing characters that meet these needs and we are lapping it up.

And fantasy allows us to play with possibilities. It gives us a safe space to imagine different ways of relating, different versions of ourselves and different futures. We don't only escape into fantasy; we also experiment there. As someone who works with trauma, I often think about how healing involves expanding what feels possible. If your nervous system has learnt that love means walking on eggshells, inconsistency or emotional absence, imagining relationships built on safety, mutual respect and genuine desire is a wonderful step towards healing. It’s breaking the blueprint and building a new one.

That's one reason I don't see romantasy as simply wish fulfilment. I wonder whether, for many readers, it's also wish rehearsal and this can psychologically scaffold the shifts towards more healthy relationships IRL.

Image: jon cronshaw

And then there's the magic.

Let's be honest: the world has felt relentlessly heavy and depressing for a while now. Global uncertainty, cost of living crisis, political tension, transphobia, racism, increasing hatred for any kind of difference (thanks brexit), climate anxiety, doom scrolling, endless notifications, and the feeling that we should somehow optimise every minute of our day.

We're tired, we're burned out. I know I’m not alone when I say that I can often feel despair about the state of things.

Despite what late stage capitalism wants from us, human beings aren't designed to exist solely in productivity mode. We need play and imagination. We need awe and art and creativity.

Psychologists sometimes talk about "possible selves" - imagined versions of who we might become. Fantasy worlds invite us into those possibilities even when widening social inequalities prevent them. Like what if you were more powerful than you realised? What if your sensitivity was a strength rather than a weakness? What if there was meaning hidden beneath humdrum, ordinary life? This creativity of thinking can be a helpful* protector against all the restrictions of our modern, disconnected lives.

*(helpful in moderation)

I also wonder whether we're collectively craving whimsy again.

Psychologically, whimsy serves an important purpose - it’s gives us things that we need in a sometimes harsh and serious world. Wonder broadens our perspective, curiosity softens anxiety. Play helps regulate our nervous systems and connect with others. Beauty reminds us that there’s more to life, and survival isn't the same thing as living.

For me, reading about enchanted forests, impossible creatures and magical bonds is one small act of resistance against a culture that wants us to be predictable robots - efficient, productive, always the same. It gives a respite from the horrors of our current world.

So what can we take from this for our psychological growth?

And is it okay to retreat into fiction and a fantasy world?

None of this means we should expect our partners to communicate telepathically through magical mating bonds or to always be there when we have an emotional need (Although, if someone could tidy the kitchen using shadows, that would genuinely improve most relationships.)

But I do think romantasy shines a light on what many people are longing for.

Not perfection but presence.

Not dominance, safety.

Not relentless passion, but mutual curiosity and someone to explore the magic of this world with. A partnership.

Maybe that's the real fantasy, underneath the dragons or the kingdoms; the yearning for real connection. The hope that we can have intimacy in our relationships that feels expansive rather than restrictive. That desire and emotional safety can coexist. That strength doesn't have to come at the expense of tenderness and our partners can be both 😍 And that there's more to life than what we've currently got.

Yes, we can still read our romantasy books but lets also make sure we're aware of what our unmet needs are and work on building our connections and improving our relationships (within ourselves and with others) to ensure we have people in our lives who are psychologically safe, and relationship scripts that feel fulfilling. Also encourage the men in your life to read these books too!